Hard Days - Tender Mercies

I love good quotes and I’ll probably post quite a few on my
blog. But, there are two that I keep
thinking of this week. The first is by
Mother Teresa. She said:
“I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.”
I have to agree with her! I know I can do this. I know I can handle it, I just wish I didn’t
have to! I am trying to approach this
with a positive attitude. Having said
that, I have also thought about another quote by one of my very favorite people
ever: Gordon B. Hinckley. He said:
“In my ninety plus years, I have learned a secret. I have learned that when good men and women
face challenges with optimism, things will work out! Truly, things always work out! Despite how difficult circumstances may look
at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will
find that things always work out.”
I think that a lot of my staying healthy and beating cancer
will have to do with my attitude. I feel
like I’ve done OK so far. I’m hoping to
continue to do even better! I had a
really hard time the first day I found out.
I told you I would tell you about that.
First, I was referred to go to an ENT for the enlarged lymph
node. I just went to the first available
ENT near me. I am not going to name him,
because I’m sure he is a nice guy, but I was not happy with him at all. On my first visit, I waited in the waiting
room for 45 minutes before being called back and then waited in the exam room
for another 20 minutes for the doctor. (I
HATE WAITING! Can you imagine if I made clients, students, etc. wait like that?) I guess part of my challenge is learning to
be more patient, because I’m going to have to be patient with this cancer for a
long time!
When I finally saw the doctor, he felt my swollen nodes and
told me that he didn’t think there was anything to worry about. In fact, he said that he didn’t feel the need
to biopsy it. He said there was a 90%
chance it was nothing, a 9% chance there was an infection or a disorder where
nodes are just bigger which is still nothing to worry about, and a 1% chance it
was cancer. I asked him if I was his
wife or daughter what he would do and he said he would check it regularly for
any signs of change. Since I don’t live
with a doctor, I am the one who actually decided to have it removed. I told him to schedule the surgery. He said it was no rush, so it was about two
weeks later. Also, he told me I had to
come back before the surgery for a pre-op appointment. They said it would only take 20 minutes to
sign some papers and check my heart, temp, etc.
So I scheduled that and when I went to that appointment, I waited again
for an hour before being called back! I
said something to the nurse and she immediately got bugged. In retrospect, you probably shouldn’t complain
before someone is going to cut you open, but I wasn’t that smart at the
time! So, he finally came in, listened
to my heart and again told me there was nothing to worry about. I had the node removed and then never heard
anything back. In fact, I called about 5
days later and talked to the ornery nurse.
She told me that they didn’t call with results and that the doctor would
just give me the results at my post-op appointment. (#1, that’s lame, #2 when results are bad, no
one should wait 10 days to get them! #3 they should have a loved one with them)
When I went to the post-op 10 days later, I assumed nothing was wrong because
surely if there was bad news, he would have called. So, I proceeded to wait again for OVER an
hour before being called back. When he
came in, he asked how the incision was, looked at it for a second, and then
handed me a pink paper and said here are your results. HE DIDN’T EVEN TELL ME…he had me read a paper
that said that I had cancer! I looked at
him and asked if it was for real. He
said “yes” and then I remember saying so I’m the 1%? He said yes and that he was very surprised by
the results. At that point, it seemed
like the room started spinning. Then, I
got mad! I can’t believe I did it still,
but I told him that I was mad it took so long to get the results, that it was
highly unprofessional and I complained that I had wasted more than 3 hours of
my life in his waiting room! Then I
asked what next and he told me that they had already scheduled an appointment
for me with Dr. Stinnett for March 19th!!! NEARLY TWO WEEKS LATER! I freaked out again and said that was unacceptable
and that I should have been notified a week ago and met with an oncologist
already. He then sent his nurse to try
to re-schedule and kept talking to me, but I honestly don’t really remember
what he said except make sure I like my doctor and have a good attitude. Ha Ha.
I did not have a good attitude right then! I was mad that I didn’t have Troy with me and
that Sloane was in the room with me while I was finding all of this out! The nurse came back and had rescheduled for
two days later. I told them that two
days later was a little better, that I was going to beat cancer, but that time
was of the essence and they should NEVER do that to another patient, and then I
left the office. (Once I got home I
called Huntsman and tried to get in with them even sooner, like I discussed in
my previous entries.)
I got to the car and called Troy. I was frantic. It was 1 in the afternoon, Sloane was hungry
and crying, I was crying. It was
horrible. Troy told me to go get some
lunch. It is funny because while my life
had just completely changed, the world kept spinning and everyone else kept
living. I had my list of things to do
and a carpool to pick up that day. Right
then and there I decided that I had to just keep on living!
On my list of things to do that day, I needed to go to the
office supply store and Target. So, I
drove there, wandered around both stores aimlessly without really getting
anything and then went to Noodles and Co.
I ordered the food, then went into the bathroom and had an absolute
meltdown. I then fed Sloane lunch with
my sunglasses on.
Troy had texted my friend Maria and told her to call
me. I think he did that because he felt
so helpless! I still can’t believe he
wasn’t with me. He would have driven
straight home except he had carpooled and couldn’t ditch the other
teacher. So, I sobbed to Maria. I still didn’t know what to do. Should I tell people? What about my kids? Then, I realized that I didn’t want my kids
or family to find out from anyone besides me, so I started calling my
family. Troy and I sat down with the
kids, which was really hard to do. Then,
I laid down on the couch. I had cried so
much I had a horrible headache.
Troy then called our neighbor, Chad, to come over and help
him give me a blessing. I am so grateful
for a great husband and awesome neighbors who are worthy and able to give me a
Priesthood blessing. That was very
helpful to me and helped me to calm down and finally feel that everything was
going to be OK.
I actually did really good with the attitude up until a
couple of days ago. Then, I think it all
hit. I had been trying to be so strong
and all of the sudden I just couldn’t. I
got really mad at my lot in life! I got annoyed
at people who talked about what I thought were insignificant struggles. I was jealous of people who I viewed as not
having struggles, etc. etc. It was a
really bad day and I felt like a bad person.
But as bad as I was, God was still watching out for me and loving
me. First, I got a text from a dear
friend who watched her fiancé die of cancer.
She had no idea I was struggling that day, but she sent me a text that
said it was OK to have a bad day. You have no idea how much that helped
me! Then, I received a lovely letter from my
grandparents that talked about being a fighter and how my grandpa had done that
back in WWII. It was an amazing letter
that I will always cherish. Third, I
went for a walk and was praying to feel better.
Right then, my earthly father who was driving in his car found me and
got out and just let me vent and cry and talked to me and that also
helped. I think that was a special
tender mercy of Heavenly Father. He let
me know, via others, three times that I was not forgotten and that what I was
feeling was natural and OK, but also it was time to snap out of it.
Since then, I’ve done better. I’m sure I will have hard days ahead, but
those things that happened were a testament to me that Heavenly Father does
know me and love me, he understands, and is with me right now. I am grateful for that!
I do also have to say that the ENT slightly redeemed himself
the other day because he did call to check on me. I appreciated that!
I also appreciated my Uncle Bill sending me an e-mail with a
link to an article in the New York Times that talks about the experimental
treatment in Pennsylvania that I discussed in my previous post. The article to me is absolutely amazing. I am so grateful for wonderful doctors and
scientists that are working to find a cure for all kinds of cancer including
mine! If you are interested in reading
it, here is the link:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/13/health/13gene.html?_r=1&src=ISMR_AP_LO_MST_FB&P
Once again, this is a long post. I actually have some “F’s” related to my
diagnosis to talk about. So, my next
post will talk about some of those.
Please continue to pray for my family and me! I so very much appreciate it! XOXO